Under Control

I suppose it would seem natural for the individual to sense how much their life has changed; how much of a different person they’d become. Though not always. Perhaps the change could be obvious to the others in their life and a mystery to the individual

I certainly feel that I am profoundly changed from the person I was in the post new-zealand/dying father/pre-transfarmer days.

I feel the change but struggle to quite put my finger on it. Navel-gazing introversion and poorly done existential reflection seemed par for the course for me.

Yet no longer it seems. (he says in the quiet of the back garden with the sky darkening, over a coffee, listening to evening birdsong).

When I stop and reflect these days there seems only a state of perpetual bewilderment. The self-contented smugness seems no more.

When I was single I was, on many occasions, fairly content. To the extent that I suspect I did beleive I was the captain of my soul

These days I often feel a slight awe and wonderment at how the hell I got here and what has happened to me by my understanding of myself has been somewhat altered.

My proposal is that my life – at least the married part of my life is a little bit out of control. The presence of the other and my relationship and commitment to them is beyond me.

It seems only appropriate to be bewildered by such a thing, especially for one who is a hyper-control person by nature.

 

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1 Response to “Under Control”


  1. 1 canalways March 22, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    when you get married it’s like you get a chaos upgrade or that the EU increase your uncertainty quota…then next thing you know you’re a minister’s wife


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