A good man is hard to find

[As is the very nature of blogs, this is the usual ill informed ranting so feel free to interject with corrections and thoughts]

OK. So something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time is this very simple truth –  that yes, indeed it’s true, all men are bastards.

Not that I’ve turned into some kind of transgender hyper feminist or anything – but i have for quite some time carried around a distinct unease about my half of the human race. Kind of like the nagging guilt you feel for being white anglo-saxon protestant. You know you are one, and you know that as a group you’ve not always covered yourselves in glory.

Now most of this is exceptionally obvious and perhaps won’t take a great deal to persuade many of you.


from as early as bearded men in universities will tell us, we’ve been adept and keen on beating the tripe out of each other. Or if not each other, then furry creatures, and if not that then nature herself. And oh how we seem to love beating the tripe out of our women folk.

Our tendencies to violence, anger and brutality are everywhere. We have left our mark in the history of human culture smeared in the blood of everyone else.

And in every context (though no doubt i can be corrected) it will be the XYs leading the way.

Open a newspaper or a news website these days and it will be full of men doing violence to others.

Of course women do violence as well, but in proportions far out weighed by what we seem to manage to achieve.


From rape, to female circumcision (although some would argue that one) and child abuse it is men leading the way. What is most horrifying is that the majority of the sexual violence committed occurs with someone that the perpetrator is in some form of relationship with. These are not random strangers. We are raping the people we love.

The recent case of the young care centre worker and mother who was convicted of sexual abuse of children in her care attracted so much attention because it went against the stereotype.


No doubt linked in many ways with the former two, but if you get asked to name significant historical figures you’ll come up with a whole lot of blokes. Be they good or bad.

In the modern age, despite a major shift in thought, there are still huge pay discrepancies and differences in who is more likely to hold a more senior position be it from academia to business to medicine.


Now this is where it gets controversial and mainly anecdotal. You look around some times at people you come in contact with and you ask yourself the simple question – “why the flip are with you going out with that person?”

And the majority (though not nearly so over overwhelmingly as the others) of the time i find myself asking the question of why the girl is with the boy. I don’t get it, he’s an idiot, why are you with him?

I have wisely learned to keep such opinions to myself you’ll be glad to hear.

Even more anecdotally and unsupported – my limited experience with adultery (please don’t read into that too much) seems to tell me yet again it seems that the men are the bastards. Though this must be untrue to some degree because unless married men only sleep with single women then surely the split must be more equal than that.


Where I live is one of the more socially deprived areas of town. Not that they’re eating grass or living in tents like the proper poor places of the world. But there is a huge increased prevalence of single parent house holds. And yes, almost inevitably these will be led by women.

There’s a great line in Fight Club when Tyler says that we’re a generation of men raised by women and that another women is the last thing we need. Which perhaps side steps the obvious point that it is the men who have abdicated their role in the upbringing.

Is it too facile to see some truth in this? [Genuine question, I’ve never quite understood the verse].

Is it all as simple as a social construct, that we got all the power at an early stage in human culture and we’ve simply taken it to its logical conclusion? That if women were in our position they’d be just the same?

Even if it is an accident of history and biology that we have become the perpetrators of such evil then what are we doing about working against it. We are meant to be some kind of counter-cultural force in the world.

So i suppose from this slightly ashamed member of half of the human race comes a humble apology for my association with it.


10 Responses to “A good man is hard to find”

  1. 1 transfarmer July 1, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    thanks for being a non-bastard by asking such questions. They are big questions though, i shall have to ponder deeply.

  2. 2 meinmysmallcorner July 2, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    “In the modern age, despite a major shift in thought, there are still huge pay discrepancies and differences in who is more likely to hold a more senior position be it from academia to business to medicine…”

    Would it be too contentious to add ‘to the church’…?

    This is a great post, thanks.

    The irony is, of course, that only men can really get away with writing/saying things like this. Women who address such issues are labelled feminists (yes, people have made that a dirty word because to want to restore equality to the sexes is the worst idea ever conceived) and told to get back to the kitchen and feed the cats.

    Illustrated also by the fact that you felt you had to clarify that you have not become “some kind of transgender hyper feminist or anything”. Equally I am not a lesbian bra-burner… Haven’t done that for years now 😉

  3. 4 Nelly And I July 2, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    yeah i thought the church one was so obvious i’d not even mention it!

    i think women can say this just fine, and hopefully they can say it much easier in the church than anywhere else (here’s hoping…). but that’s kind of my point – i don’t get why women don’t say it more often. in many ways i don’t get why you bother with us at all, and i’m sure it’s not so simple as babies and loneliness.

    on our moral record i don’t think we come out that well, not that is the sole reason why humans enter into relationship with each other but surely it’s part of it.

    i put in the whole “transgender hyperfeminist” thing just to reassure the brotherhood that i hadn’t done what paul suggested and done the whole galations 5:12 thing.

    i grew up in a completely female free context so perhaps that explains my naivety and bewilderment – mum doesn’t really count, we just made her laugh along with all the farting jokes too..

  4. 5 Nelly And I July 2, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    kevin, why when i just think i’ve written something quite thoughtful and interesting do you have to go and find that someone else has articulated it much better with funnier innuendos…

    my favourite was “That’s why we bollocksed the planet up. We didn’t mean to. We’re men, that’s all.”

  5. 6 clairebo July 2, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    I’ve been trying to put together a response to this here and I can’t do it in a few words. So I’ll attempt a blogging response!

  6. 7 Nelly And I July 2, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    looking forward to finding my ideas, opinions and statements humbled and destroyed in due course… 🙂

  7. 8 meinmysmallcorner July 4, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    “i think women can say this just fine, and hopefully they can say it much easier in the church than anywhere else (here’s hoping…).”

    ermm… nope, sorry.


    But that’s not really what your post is about, sorry! I guess if women had gotten the upper hand early on, there’d be a mucky mess by now too – it would just look pretty different (and i don’t just mean more pink fluffy things)!

    I love that that article zoomtard posted really just says, ‘right girls, you usually sort out our mess anyway but we’re now bored pretending we can do it ourselves and can’t be arsed anymore – you have a go.’

    Without getting too deep and ranty, I believe it was always meant to be a beautiful partnership of equals.

    • 9 Nelly And I July 4, 2009 at 11:45 pm

      i did say “hopefully” – in the “yes i know we’re not very good at this but if we have our way when the revolution comes we’ll be a bit better at it…” way.

  8. 10 meinmysmallcorner July 5, 2009 at 3:16 pm


    Seriously though – good post.

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