Day dreams

communication, as I’ve waxed lyrical on before about, is great stuff. I can have video chats with my folks and mates back home with no bother, the picture’s good, though my mum’s perennially in her pyjamas for some reason. I can send photos home and get sent photos too. In many wasy I’m communicating better with people than I ever did before. I’m probably speaking to my parents more often, even though I lived in the same house as them!

It’s great that I now have an RSS feed from the CE website and the podcasts on iTunes are simply amazing. And I’ve been listening to these as I drive about the country, catching up on where CE has got to. Most recently it was Rico Tice. He talked at one point on day dreams and how if you catch yourself in a day dream it�ll give you a good indication of where your heart is that.

I’d read something similar in a book by Don Carson before on the sermon on the mount. He listed a set of questions to ask yourself from the beatitudes and one was what do you think of when your mind slips into idle based on “blessed are the pure in heart”

That struck a chord (probably a gmaj7) with me. I’m a continual day-dreamer, I can never say that my mind ever really goes blank as such. Except for maybe when I’m leaving work and I can’t remember where I parked the car.

There’s a near continual dialogue going on in there. Mostly rehearsal I would call it. Now that may be for the soon to be made movie of my life that I seem to have continually running in my head, like the Truman show, except I’m in on it and pretending I don’t know there’s a camera on me. It may also be for all the situations, be it in work or socially where I’ll excel and come across as mr fantastic and everyone will love me and think I’m the dude or in work that I’m a FIG JAM (a rather rude acronym for a medical qualification over here).

So this is what is going on when you see me staring into space or focused on something. I may be writing my most amazing person ever acceptance speech.
That’s where my heart’s pointing, that’s where my desires are leading me. Just under the surface, below all the rational decisions and promises made that I’ve compromised�, is the stinking, rotten heart of ego, pride and arrogance that I’d like to pretend isn’t there.

So there’s a CS Lewis quote, there always is isn’t there:

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you
I never had a selfless thought since I was born
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through
I want GOD, you, all friends to merely serve my turn
Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the good I seek
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin
I talk of love, a scholar�s parrot may talk greek
But self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

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October 2006
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