Archive for October 3rd, 2006

Tagliatelli (?) carbonara for one

–         half packet of not so fresh, fresh pasta from last week some time.
–         Two slices of processed ham
–         Sliced bargain, value cheese
–         50ml (a splash or so unitl the pan looks sufficiently full) fresh cream
–         few dollops of greek yoghurt that was lying in the fridge and looks good in a pan on cooking programmes.
Bring all ingredients to the boil by mistake cause you walk off to the other room during it and you’re not too sure of how the cooker works anyhow. Take all pans off the hob cause it’s boiled over. Panic and try to wipe off the cheese from the hot hob with cloth. Panic yet further when cloth melts onto hob. Burning acrylic/polyester everywhere. Turn hob back on. Wait until cheese in pan has melted. Realise you should have added corn flour or that stuff that they give people with strokes to thicken their feeds. Take pans back off hobs as boiling over. Mix all together in big pan. Taste. If vision still present consume. Realsie half-way through that adding some of the 15 bulbs of garlic that you bought to dish may have been nice. Resolve not to forget again.
Honey chilli beef with noodles for one:
–         left over steak from last night. The steak that you thought would be good like a sirloin but is actually tough as old boot.
–         Soy sauce
–         Chilli powder (do not rub eyes)
–         Half onion (do not rub eyes)
–         Rest of bag of cashew nuts from early September
–         Few spring onions till pile on chopping board looks obscene.
Cut up steak, narrowly avoid major artery. Consider risk of gout and heart disease. Dismiss risk. Put steak chunks in bowl and cover in soy sauce to ‘marinade’. Feel smug that you think you know what marinade means.  Think briefly about marmalade and wonder if words are related. Boil kettle. Add water to kettle and boil again. Add water to noodles. Attempt to read Chinese instructions on noodles and give up. Day dream briefly about Chinese symbol for ‘marinade’. Remove pan from hob as it boils over. Cook steak bits. Chop vegetables. Rub eyes. Place inedible bits of vegetables in waste disposal unit. Press button. Realise you put the chopped veg in the waste disposal unit and the inedible bits in pan. Swear. Consider sticking fingers in waste disposal unit to retrieve veg. Realise fingers are too big to fit. Swear. Chop more vegetables. Have inspirational idea to add lots of honey to pan. Do so. Drain noodles in sink. Loose 50% of noodles to join veg in waste disposal unit. Serve. Half-way through realise adding garlic may have been good idea.

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